i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
