Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
operation have a gay friend backfired
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
