I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
send nudes
from the living room?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
