theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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