I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
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