he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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