After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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