the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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