Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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