what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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