I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
