It's Friday. Sex?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
