What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
