nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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