No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
