i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
