if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
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You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
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It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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