My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
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