I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
