I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
