i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
