Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
