Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
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Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
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We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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