anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
