my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
cat food counts as protein by the way
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
