so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
