Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
