The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
