Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I would ride that face into the sunset
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
