No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
