I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Randomize
