even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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