so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Randomize
