I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
