he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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