but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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