How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
