I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
