tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
