It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
ttyl tear gas
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Randomize
