I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I touched a dick in church today
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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