If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
