The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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