I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Randomize
