Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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