She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
