Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Randomize
