new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize
