You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
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And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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