Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...