I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
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But theres a keg here and me gusta
Your topless pictures make me question reality
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
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2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I touched a dick in church today
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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