theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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