I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
