Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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